I'm not really sure how to begin this besides at the beginning. To really understand the full scoop I will have to go a few years back and give a little past history on me.
I've been a bit of a closet woman for about as long as I can remember. The male society never held any intreast and I never really fit it anywhere it would seem. I found female characters always more intreasting to not only read about to even play in RPG's and table top gaming and the such for a very long time. I became aware of it frist right around towards the end of high-school when I became active in a larp. I never got the same sadifastion from playing as I think I would have if I was the other gender strangly enough. However there it never really bothered me. I figured I just prefered storys about characters and just small fanasties in my mind that it was all just a small little harmless things.
As the years gone on however I started to feel myself detaching more and more from the real world and falling into this fake persona of mine I have created online. Of course of which I was a woman, not out of malice or to get special treatment or even to be gross with some strange sexual desires. I honestly felt better about myself when people spoke to me as such and addressed me as someone of that manner. Since then I have even enjoyed the harsh words being called a bitch all the way up to complaments of being told I am very momnternal (sp?)
However I never considered this to be even an option in real life society. That anything transgender would be completely shunned and looked down on. I can't say I blame my upbringing however I feel a bit of it does come from where I was born and the small townness of it all.
But, as the years drug on my crushing depresstion and real life detachment has gotten nothing but worse. To the point I would sun burn just by standing a few hours outside nor could I stand to be away from my computer for more then a few hours if I was not sleeping. I lost my job, I moved back in with my parents, almost lost my car, and lost many friends during all of this.
This all changed however the weekend of Oct 2th where another of my my good friends even if I have never meet her appoached me about transgender. Asking my why I have not considered it and that it is infact affordable and attantable with enough drive. Even as far as to show me what monder treatments would look like on people. I really have never been so uplifted in my life not only to be seeing results of something I have always wanted to badly but that it could also be made to look good. Then to top it oof I was able to speak to someone who is doing to same process I would take part of. She encouraged me to research it and see if it was right for me.
After looking into it for the past few days I have decided it is infact something I want. However it is a long journey to even start the treatment. Here I am five days after my choice in this. I have talked to many friends who all have been extermly supportive about this so far. One has even gone as far as to meantion that she used to refer to me as "That guy would totally be bff's if he were gay/girl" as well as "You always seemed to try so hard to be another one of the guys." Will this really just inspired me even more as I feel it is a reflection of what she saw that was in me not what I was born as.
The road is still long however. I am just taking the first steps onto it. So if you wish to follow this mans transcetion into a woman please follow away. As this is only week one. My to do list is still very large and my goals are very high. However I have never felt so driven for something in my life before.
Speaking of steps weighted in at the gym I am currently 224 I would like to atleast lose 40 pounds before I start this if not more. As well as I will require a job to pay for this treatment. So applying for many places right now however the job market here is not so good. But, I remain hopeful even if it is to go back to working at a clearance store or workiing fast food. Something to pay for the insurance.
That is all for now. Had a very heathly lunch and dinner and hope to begin jogging with as I will refer to her from now on. "Cosplay Girl". So join me in this world of hopes, spelling errors, and grammer mistakes maybe I can give courage to someone who is scared of it as well. It would be the least I could do for the woman who gave me the courage to.
No comments:
Post a Comment